Do you ever find yourself subtly (or not so subtly) apologizing for your out-of-the-mainstream-but-very-conscious MOGO (most good) choices because you want to put others at ease and diffuse any defensiveness or awkwardness? Do you struggle to reassure people that you’re really quite normal even though your ___________ choices (fill in the blank with lifestyle, food, clothing, transportation, product, entertainment, etc.) differ from the vast majority of people in our culture, including theirs? Do you periodically practice a sort of false humility and laugh-at-yourself-for-your-oddball-ways attitude?I do. I want people to feel comfortable with me and open to what I have to say, not disinclined to include me because of my “weird” choices. I work hard to make sure others who are making different choices than I don't feel judged or defensive in my presence. I don’t like those feelings any more than they, and I dislike being around judgmental, holier-than-thou, self-righteous people as much as anyone. Plus, I make so many choices that are less than MOGO, so I’m in no position to judge anyway.
But I walk a tightrope between apologetics for what I actually believe are some of my best qualities and inevitable off-putting judgment because my different choices cannot help but contrast with others – implying judgment even when I don’t feel judgmental. My apologies are sincere. I hold two truths simultaneously when, for example, I acknowledge to a host that my food choices have caused them to go to extra trouble, and as I recognize that those choices are made consciously and intentionally in order to minimize the harm and maximize the good I do in the world. I don’t want to be a bother. Yet I do want everyone to “bother” to make more informed, compassionate, sustainable, and peaceful choices in their lives and through their work.
I get tired of apologizing for my MOGO choices, though. It’s like saying I’m sorry for what I consider the best in myself when what I’m really sorry about is that we live in a world in which it’s so challenging to make choices that are truly humane and restorative and peaceful.
What about you? Do you face similar challenges? How do you deal with them?
Zoe Weil
Author of Most Good, Least Harm, Above All, Be Kind and Claude and Medea
Image courtesy of ell brown via Creative Commons.
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3 comments:
Zoe, I deal with this all the time! Thank you for putting it into words. I think it's hardest for work - lunch meetings, etc. When I worked on community health, I often took pediatric residents to Somali, Vietnamese, Cambodian, and other refugee and immigrant communities in San Diego. This was the hardest b/c I was told that if I didn't eat what families offered me, that was the height of rudeness. Luckily, the pediatric residents would take non-vegan food off of my plate for me, butI felt so...inauthentic...doing that. I would love to hear your thoughts on this!
I think lately I've gotten to a better place - rather than appologize, I just say "this is who I am, these are my choices" and I don't expect anyone to go out of their way for me. It's strange and inaccurate to label MOGO as "going out of their way" but I find that if I don't put forth expectations of others then my choices are more readily accepted and even admired.
Sometimes I think that I *don't* make the choices I believe I should because I might make others uncomfortable.
When my oldest daughter had her first (or maybe second) birthday, we had a small extended family party. We requested no gifts for the birthday girl because we did not believe in accumulating more stuff. The reaction was not good: One family member questioned how we could possibly dictate what they could or couldn't give their little niece.
I was mortified, embarrassed and questioned my own motives. Was I just being selfish?
Did not ever do that again.
These are exactly the kinds of things I mean. I had similar challenges with gifts, and in retrospect, I think that it would have been better not to "enforce" my "rules" and let others do what they wished. I think I damaged some relationships and I'm not sure I made MOGO decisions overall. Ashley, I have eaten non-vegan food (dairy) after exhausting all other avenues (like letting my host know ahead of time about my diet, offering to bring food, etc.) rather than insult my host. It's tough. I try to ask myself to consider, overall, the MOGO option in complex situations in which there are competing elements. Thanks so much, both of you, for commenting and sharing your experiences. This stuff is really challenging!
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