Receiving

Recently, I tried to help a friend who’s facing a crisis that includes financial challenges by sending a check to cover some of her unexpected, huge bills. She returned my check (along with a beautiful letter) because although the crisis is big, she couldn’t accept the financial help. I found myself dejected. I totally understood her perspective. It’s hard to accept what feels to many like charity. Although we may be deeply charitable people ourselves, being the recipient of someone else’s help can feel like a burden, something we can’t ever “repay,” and for some, it can even feel humiliating. I called my friend and shared with her my dismay and sadness that she returned my check. I think I guilt-tripped her into accepting my gift – albeit in a different form that was more palatable to her – but what I tried to convey is that giving brings people joy (something she actually knew well as a giver to many over many years), and that it brought me great happiness to be able to help. We had a wonderful conversation – another gift – and I realized just how important it is not only to be generous and giving ourselves, but to receive with open arms the gifts of others.

Receiving can be very difficult, often fraught with a terrible sense of unwanted obligation that we may carry from unhealthy childhood experiences where we were made to feel guilty or indebted for receiving. I know that when I was sick for two months about a decade ago and a friend cooked me a lasagna and delivered it to my door I almost burst into tears. I was so grateful, but I also felt that she’d done me a favor I didn’t deserve. How crazy!

I’ve learned a lesson through this. Although the adage may be: “Tis better to give than to receive,” I believe this is largely true because of the joy that comes with giving. It is imperative to also receive with open arms the gifts bestowed upon us, and to pass along the great magic and beauty of generosity as we are able.

Zoe Weil
Author of Most Good, Least Harm, Above All, Be Kind and Claude and Medea

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