Why Do We Like to Gossip? How Can We Stop?

gos·sip n
1. conversation about personal or intimate rumors or facts, especially when malicious
2. informal and chatty conversation or writing about recent and often personal events
3. somebody given to spreading personal or intimate information about other people

Sometimes there are good and important reasons to gossip -- that is, to share facts, and sometimes even rumors, about others. If you feel confident that the news you have heard about a neighbor molesting a child may well be true, I believe you are obligated to tell other parents whose children could fall victim to the neighbor.

But generally gossip does not fall into this category. Most gossip is damaging and unhealthy. It causes more harm than good. So why is it so compelling? Why do so many of us enjoy it? Why does it seem to foster intimacy among those who gossip, when in truth, if we gossip about others among our friends, those same friends would be wise to limit what they share with us, lest we end up telling someone else?

I think it’s MOGO (most good) not to gossip, but like other things that are MOGO, our desires often eclipse our values. There are many times I make choices that I know don’t do the most good and the least harm because I want what I want when I want it. So, too, with gossip. That news about so-and-so and her scandalous affair? It’s a bit of excitement and fodder for repartee. That info about the pillar of the community cheating on his taxes? Fodder for righteous indignation and perhaps some good jokes.

When I was writing my book, Above All, Be Kind, I had a dream in which I had decided to write it under a pseudonym, and the name that was chosen was “Miss Goody Two Shoes.” No one likes a Miss Goody Two Shoes, and I found the dream unnerving. Are good, kind, compassionate, honest, gossip-avoiding people boring? Do they make other, less kind people feel judged and ashamed. Is it ultimately isolating to be so good that you refuse to listen to gossip and speak out against it? Does gossip, in its insidious way, build some sense of camaraderie and belonging, even as it should be a warning that the gossiper is untrustworthy?

I wish gossip weren’t fun. I wish I always had the strength to steer a conversation away from it. I wish that I never sought it out, as I sometimes do. I do know that there have been times when I’ve felt dirty after being at a gathering where others became the topic of conversation. I have wanted to leave, but I haven’t mustered the courage. I’ve wanted to say “I’m not comfortable with this conversation,” but have been afraid of upsetting people and sounding judgmental and self-righteous.

What about you? Do you find yourself gravitating toward gossip on occasion? If so, why do you think that is? And is it something you want to change in yourself as you strive to make choices that do more good and less harm?

I welcome your thoughts.

Zoe Weil
Author of Most Good, Least Harm

Image courtesy of foxypar4 via Creative Commons.

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