I came across a great example on the blog of parent Jennifer Lehr: Jennifer bought her daughter a copy of the "classic," best-selling picture book, No, David! by David Shannon and discovered a "cringe-inducing, profoundly depressing and ultimately tragic tale of a mother-son relationship."
The entire story is about David doing things that cause his mother to say "No, David!" Here's where Lehr finds fault: "Do [the author and publisher] really want to condone, let alone celebrate the punishment of children? Because the truth is, there are plenty of ways to set limits and gain children’s cooperation without admonishing, humiliating and isolating them."
She then goes on to offer a great example of a different way of "dealing with" David: Instead of telling David "No!" for writing on the walls, she offers this alternative:
“David honey, I can see how a big blank white wall looks so inviting, but walls aren’t for coloring on. Actually, let me rephrase that, our walls aren’t for coloring on .... It’s true, there are plenty of artists—some really famous like the Diego Rivera and Michelangelo —who have painted on walls, and even ceilings! Actually now that I think about it, prehistoric man was drawing on the walls of caves over 30,000 years ago! Hmm, I wonder if it’s some sort of primal impulse we all have? Anyway honey, we don’t allow drawing on the walls in our house. But I have an idea. I’m going to buy you some big poster boards and tape them to the wall so you can make the really large drawings you love. But until you’re old enough to remember not to draw on the walls, I’m going to hang out with you when you draw. When I can’t, I’ll have to put the crayons away and you can play something else.”
She also engages her daughter in critical thinking about the images in the book:
“Let’s just start with the cover. Okay, so I see that David is knocking over the goldfish bowl. It looks to me like he really wants to see the fish but the bowl is just up too high and…”Read the complete post.
“Yeah, ” Jules said, pointing to the picture. “See how he piled up books so he could climb up higher?”
“That was clever of him! I hadn’t even noticed. Gosh he really wanted to see those fish. How do you think he felt when his plan failed and he knocked over the table and the fishbowl by accident?”
“Sad for the fish. Maybe scared.”
“Yeah…and then to have his mom yell at him? I bet that made him feel even worse. You know, I don’t think his mother used the best judgment when she put the fishbowl on a small but tall pedestal table in the middle of the room. I mean what’s the fun in having fish if you can’t easily get a good look? Can you think of any better places they could have put it?”
Together Jules and I decided a dresser with a step stool nearby would have given David the access he needed while giving the fish the protective space they needed.
Many people see the book as cute and harmless. But Lehr digs beyond the surface story to really critically examine the way David's behavior is framed, and the messaging that so many no's present. As Lehr explains to her daughter:
“I want you to know that children aren’t born knowing what they can and can’t do and that it’s their parents job to help them learn. But it’s so important how parents do it, because if parents treat children with respect and understanding, then that’s what their kids will learn. But if parents are impatient and hurtful then that’s what their kids will learn and I don’t want you or your brother to think it’s okay to be mean to other people. It’s not. No one deserves to be treated the way David was.”
An important reminder to be mindful and thoughtful in our daily lives.
~ Marsha
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